In
what could come as a major blow to the nation’s second largest buyer of benefits
and California’s largest retirement program, several unconfirmed sources have
leaked that CalPERS may be in league with Satan.
In
what could come as a major blow to the nation’s second largest buyer of benefits
and California’s largest retirement program, several unconfirmed sources have
leaked that CalPERS may be in league with Satan.
The accusations came after CalPERS announced last week it would seek “soul [sic] possession” of student wages to compensate for rising health care costs.
CalPERS has a long history of bad dealings, losing money in poor investment schemes but quickly recovering by taking money from underpaid part time employees, who may be responsible for leaking this information to the press.
Yet the news came as a surprise to many analysts. Joseph Franklin, who follows the behemoth closely, said, “You know, I always knew that company was a little suspicious. But I would never have suspected their problems ran so deep. [Laughs] No pun intended of course.”
Stocks hit record lows before trading ended, as investors scrambled to get back what little money they can still call their own.
CalPERS is the Devil News
Posted 6.66.6666